Hidden Mysteries

Last night I came to grips with a situation that has long troubled me.

There’s an air conditioner vent right next to my favorite chair in the family room. For some time, I’ve been uneasy about the dust that’s caught in the slats. I cannot abide caked-up, crusted-on crap of any description. I find it everywhere – on the toaster oven, the refrigerator shelves, my razor, and even my toothbrush.

I approached this problem with some hesitancy, as it required removal of the vent’s metal covering. What if I couldn’t get it back on? What would my wife say? But this was affecting the very air we breathe. Casting aside doubt and hesitation, I set to work.

Two sheet metal screws held in place the grid covering for the vent. To my surprise, these unscrewed easily, providing access to the filth. With the aid of a powerful vacuum cleaner and Martha Stewart’s All-Purpose Cleaner, I removed a surprising amount of lint and dog hair.

But a closer inspection revealed more blockage down below. Determined to make this right once and for all, I pulled hard on the metal cover. The entire assembly suddenly popped free with a clang and a clatter, revealing the vent as a sizeable hole in the floor.

“What are you doing down there?” my wife called from the bedroom.

“Oh, just tidying up…” I answered. Peering down into the vent, I saw shockingly heavy deposits of lint, dust and hair, both animal and human. Horribly long strings of it floated on the air current from the air conditioner. But they were being sucked downwards, towards the basement. I had uncovered the master intake vent for the air conditioner, and the furnace too!

Sickened and strangely thrilled, I went after it in a near frenzy. I would conquer this disgusting mass of caked-on crap at all costs, I thought, pulling an incredible volume of lint from the hole in the wall. How many years had it gone uncleaned, slowly growing like the creature under the floor in Hellraiser? Years, perhaps decades… obstructing the air flow… straining the equipment down below…shortening the life of our HVAC system. Oh, the horror.

Replacing the vent, I regarded my handiwork with deep satisfaction, my catharsis complete. As I trudged off to bed, I thought that most people would never dare tell this story, let alone write about it at length.